What my kids really mean when they tell you that their parents would kill them.
As I have seen my children hit puberty and embark on the oh so joyous High school years I am finding myself encountering a whole different philosophy of parenting that somewhat surprises me and I find myself at a loss for words. I know, Karen at a loss for words? Is that possible? Yes how do I address without stepping on your parenting toes, but when I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that I must. In fact you will find by the end of this article that you in a way are stepping on my parenting toes. So I decided to lay all the cards on the table and let them fall where they may. If I offend that is not my intent. My intent is to tell you where I am coming from, and what I see.
When my parents grew up in the 50's they both came from a simpler time in a lot of ways. They talk of how everyone knew who the kids were that pushed the rules and what they were doing by what they wore. The girls who were loose, pierced their ears and wore leather skirts and the boys who were rough and drank and smoked, slicked back their hair and wore leather jackets. They had parties with drinking just like young adults did in the 70's,80's and 90's, and yes even today. My own mother was taken to one on a date. There of course was much more than drinking going on at these parties. She left by the way.
In the 70's this happened as well. Young adults getting together to party on the weekends. Drinking was still available. There is always someone's parents who not only turns a blind eye but actively participates in buying the booze, in order to feel loved, appreciated, or so their child will be the cool kid in the class. The drugs were harder by then and the sexual revolution was in full swing so of course there was much more sex. The music was hard and loud and whatever you wanted to do, you could as long as you didn't hurt anyone.
The 80's hit and it was the same story all over again with kids going to drinking parties. Nothing was different it was the same old story told every decade, and every decade thinking they were the first to sneak past the parents and fool them. Wait a minute this is where it goes a little different.
When I was in High school there were a handful of later -day Saint parents who started telling their kids it was o.k. to go to the parties as long as they didn't drink. Tell their children that they in fact are doing the drinkers a favor as your friends are going to drink anyway and they need someone to be the designated driver. You are preventing a serious accident. (enabling at it's best) Another argument was my kids are going to go anyway I might as well know where they are so they aren't afraid of calling if they get over their head.
All of these excuses sounded good to a young adult, who wants to be with their friends and not appear to be all that different. Remember when being different was the worst thing ever. Remember when having a certain hand bag or the right shoes was a must? I remember and I understand. You want your kids to be popular you want your kids to fit in, you want your kids to have friends, you want them to be happy. ( Remember that Wickedness never was Happiness)
It doesn't end here with just your kids though. In your mind you start looking at so and so's kids and you wonder why their parents are so mean. Why won't they let their kids attend this kind of party? You tell yourself what your doing isn't wrong so what's the problem with Brother and Sister so and so? The next thing you know you are lecturing the a fore mentioned parents on them holding their kids back. With questions like don't you trust your kids? Don't you think they can handle the peer pressure? Don't you want to give them an opportunity to prove that they can handle it? They have to be tested sometime, what better time than when they are in my house and I can help them?
You question the members kids as to why they don't go to the parties and they being awkward teenager's tell you the first thing that pops into their heads....no really it's the second thing that pops into their heads. I will tell you the first thought later. "Mom and Dad would kill me, I could never go to a party like that." You are now vindicated they are just too controlling of their children. You couldn't possibly be wrong because you were in High School and you don't want your kids to go through what you went through, or what ever your reason.
Let me take the time to tell you the answers to the questions you just posed in the previous two paragraphs.
Why don't I let my kids attend drinking parties? We have been commanded to stand in holy places. I want my children to be in holy places at all times. A drinking party with drugs and other questionable behavior is not a holy place for any later-day Saint to be.
Don't you trust your kids? Actually I do. I think they are the best kids ever and can handle just about anything Heavenly Father tests them with in this life. What I don't trust is your kids and everyone else that is at said party. I don't trust them to leave my kids alone when they say they don't drink.I don't trust them not to put something in their drink, just to see what would happen. I don't trust the adversary to stay away and not tempt them when they are at said party. I don't trust what the consequences might be, if my kids were at said party.
Don't you think they can handle the peer pressure? NO! children's brains are not fully developed until they are into their early 20's.The part that develops last is reasoning and judgement. Are you serious? These are children. As an adult, I have a hard time standing up to people who are making wrong choices and pressuring me into things. As an adult it takes me time to reason out questions and situations. Why would I think my kids can handle it who are not fully developed, who are still developing self worth and confidence in their choices.
Don't you want to give them a chance to prove they can handle it? They have to be tested sometime why not when they live at home when you can help them?
I'm sorry to be rude but I can only answer this one with a question. Why would you want to put your children in this kind of situation? That is like saying my 7 year old knows that it is dangerous to take too many gummy vitamens but I'm going to not only give them the bottle to play with but open it. I trust them they know right from wrong. I have never felt it was my job as a parent to put my kids in situations to test them to see if they will pass or fail. It is my job as a parent to teach them right from wrong period.
The point of this life is to bring us closer to our Heavenly Father and the Savior. So we can repent and go home. It is not to constantly put yourself or others in circumstances that will put your eternal salvation at risk.
My oldest son went on a mission for our church. The goal is that he will come home spiritually stronger. On this mission he has certain rules that will help him stay spiritually safe. He chose this, we support him. We are counting on him to keep the rules. He may break some of the rules and if he does their will be consequences. These consequences could be spiritually deadly. Why not have rules in our home and family that will keep us spiritually safe?
On asking my children why they don't go to parties? Let me say I was asked the same question as a teenager and I gave the same answer. My parents would kill me. Now my children know I wouldn't kill them. They know there will be consequences though for doing things that we don't want them to do. They will be punished. If they sneak out, that is their right, they will do it knowing there will be a consequence. So brace yourself. When kids say their parents would kill them they are saying I don't want to. They are saying why do I have to explain to this adult why I choose to follow the Prophet? They are saying I trust and love my parents and I don't want to disappoint them. They are saying going to a drinking party is wrong and I don't want to participate. My husband and I have given our kids an out to any and all activities that border on maybe not church standards, and they know it. They can just pull out the my mom and dad would kill me card, and voila like magic they are off the hook of explaining to whomever is asking their motives. They don't have to explain to every Tom and Dick and Sally why they don't date before 16, why they don't drink, why they don't do just about everything that a lot of kids are doing. Just blame me and Dad and we again save the day. Isn't that my job?
Now to all of you out there in internet land who are saying they have to stand up sometime. Your right they do, but it will be when they are ready, when Heavenly Father says they can handle it. Not as pre- pubescent 12 and 13 year old's or 14, 15, who psychologist say aren't ready for dating 16, or 17 year old's who are just learning how to say no thank you with out sounding like a jerk.
We have set our family standards and rules on the For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet given out by the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (the Mormons) So it concerns me when members of our church ask me questions to the ones similar to ones I posed above, and yes I have gotten everyone of those questions. As latter-day Saints we should know the standards given by our leaders. The pamphlet to our family is not just a guide to use that we can slip or slide one way or the other, to us it is scripture. To us it is a way to stay safe. I have to admit I like rules, I'm not a person who likes to think too hard on a subject. I like knowing that if I do a.b.c., then e.f.g. will happen. I know that if we place our trust in our Heavenly Father and listen to and follow the prophet we all will have less to worry about and be safer both spiritually and physically. So I'm sorry if our family choices as to how we are going to live make you uncomfortable, that is not our intent. In fact it does not reflect on you at all. We don't care what you do... well we do a little because we want all to be happy and safe, but you have free will and I won't judge you as I hope you won't judge me.
