Seasons

The mornings have turned cold and crisp. The nights are a down right chilly, calling for a second blanket. We haven't turned the heat on yet, but fall is definitely here. It is October so I shouldn't be surprised, yet I am every time the weather starts to change. The leaves have changed to bright oranges, purples, reds and yellows and are now falling from the sky like giant snow flakes. It has rained every day since Monday and the wind hasn't stopped. This makes our days gray and dark. The sun peaking out in mid afternoon if we are lucky. Other people have started decorating their porches with bright happy pumpkins. We placed some  on our porch, and I planted some mums. I hope they survive the winter. My pumpkins never look as good as everybody else s.   I am not ready for the change. It seems I just get used to the season and I look up and it is gone. I feel this way about Jacob leaving for his mission. I am anxious and excited for him to be gone and yet I feel like it was just yesterday that Jason and I were in the Hospital waiting for him to come to us, not knowing if he would even make it to earth alive. He was so tiny and small. We of course didn't know to be scared of his size when he did come, as he was our first. We didn't know how scary he looked how fragile and delicate, until we had John who was double Jacob's  size and  he had twice his strength.  Jacob's leaving has made me more aware as to how fast everything moves. It is almost like in a moving train or car. You don't realize how fast you are going until you slow down. I want to slow this train down, and yet I don't. If it slows down it means the kids are leaving and I will have to entertain myself. If it doesn't soon I will loose my mind. I have given so much of myself up, in order  for my kids to be who they are. I would do it again. It wasn't a sacrifice. It was a joy. It is a joy. One long exhausting painful joyous moments wrapped up into one giant bow.  Like the leaves of a tree, I have served my purpose and my kids are shedding me to move onto something else. They don't understand the leaves will be back the next year and the year after that, for the entire life of the tree. I guess that's me continuing on in life, moving on, fertilizing my kids  helping them to grow even if they fight me as I do it. Coming back, always coming back, and glad to do it.