It is the week before Christmas and I sit down to write this as a mother about to see her son make a sacrifice. It has become apparent to me that I have been selfish. I am a mother who doesn't like to share her kids. I have always been exceedingly aware of how short a time I have with my children, from the moment that they entered my life.  When each of my 3 boys was born I immediately thought, if there is a war the Government has the right to take them from me through the draft. I know.... just a tad melodramatic. J1 is my first and he came into this world under difficult circumstances. The pregnancy caused toxemia, causing an early delivery that almost killed him. Which makes this all the more painful, as I send him out into the world, to in a way give him back to the Lord, for His use.
I am like Hannah of old who prayed for a healthy child, promising I would raise him up to the Lord for His service. Well the time to pay is now, and I am having a hard time. J1 does his part and like a good little bird is pushing me so I will push him out  of the nest. I want every moment to be one of me holding that little child in my arms.  This is not to be. I am so sad and yet so joyous at the same time. Is that even possible? It is part of my culture to raise our children to succeed and to jump early. A mission is one way they do this. They jump from our arms to the Lord's. I know he will catch him if J1 just asks and opens his arms.
 A mission for the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints is a BIG deal. It is a defining moment in our children's lives. It is something we do, it is part of who we are. It is expected and it is a let down if it isn't achieved.  It is a sacrifice of time, money, and energy and years of preparation. All this because we love what our Savior Jesus Christ did for us so much we want the whole world to partake of the blessing of knowing Him.  Life is happier knowing who you are and knowing you have a purpose.
As Christmas rolls around the corner and J1 prepares to leave for his mission I can't help but see the parallel of my life and Mary's. Who also gave her son to the world.  She must have felt apprehension even knowing who he was. He is all powerful and yet he is still her baby. That little infant who was born in a stable under difficult circumstances, surrounded by farm animals in a smelly barn. I can't imagine it any other way. I'm sure she could have.
Mary and Joseph raised Jesus with the knowledge of who He was and they still worried. He is the Savior the Son of God the Father and they were worried when they couldn't find him on a return journey.
My husband and I raised J1 with the knowledge of who he was. He knows he comes from people of faith who honor the name Jesus. He knows he comes from people who don't quite and put their all into what they are doing. He knows he is royalty as he is a son of God the Father above. As such he can do anything with this knowledge.
I trust my father in heaven and will put my trust in Him. My prayer is not that J1's trials will be gone. It is, that they will make him stronger. That they will make him closer to his Heavenly Father. They will make him who he is.  J1 can do this and so can I. It is time.

Seasons

The mornings have turned cold and crisp. The nights are a down right chilly, calling for a second blanket. We haven't turned the heat on yet, but fall is definitely here. It is October so I shouldn't be surprised, yet I am every time the weather starts to change. The leaves have changed to bright oranges, purples, reds and yellows and are now falling from the sky like giant snow flakes. It has rained every day since Monday and the wind hasn't stopped. This makes our days gray and dark. The sun peaking out in mid afternoon if we are lucky. Other people have started decorating their porches with bright happy pumpkins. We placed some  on our porch, and I planted some mums. I hope they survive the winter. My pumpkins never look as good as everybody else s.   I am not ready for the change. It seems I just get used to the season and I look up and it is gone. I feel this way about Jacob leaving for his mission. I am anxious and excited for him to be gone and yet I feel like it was just yesterday that Jason and I were in the Hospital waiting for him to come to us, not knowing if he would even make it to earth alive. He was so tiny and small. We of course didn't know to be scared of his size when he did come, as he was our first. We didn't know how scary he looked how fragile and delicate, until we had John who was double Jacob's  size and  he had twice his strength.  Jacob's leaving has made me more aware as to how fast everything moves. It is almost like in a moving train or car. You don't realize how fast you are going until you slow down. I want to slow this train down, and yet I don't. If it slows down it means the kids are leaving and I will have to entertain myself. If it doesn't soon I will loose my mind. I have given so much of myself up, in order  for my kids to be who they are. I would do it again. It wasn't a sacrifice. It was a joy. It is a joy. One long exhausting painful joyous moments wrapped up into one giant bow.  Like the leaves of a tree, I have served my purpose and my kids are shedding me to move onto something else. They don't understand the leaves will be back the next year and the year after that, for the entire life of the tree. I guess that's me continuing on in life, moving on, fertilizing my kids  helping them to grow even if they fight me as I do it. Coming back, always coming back, and glad to do it.

I am feeling sheepish as I had a goal to write something every month. I of course did not follow through. I guess this is life. I am a mother and wife. I babysit from my home and I have been busy getting my oldest ready for his mission. I also teach Early Morning Seminary and was recently called as the Primary President. Needless to say I am overwhelmed. This is no excuse for not giving to me and my future generations.  Maybe this is why I am feeling overwhelmed. There is so much more that I want to do, and be and yet I have reached a time in my life when there is not even enough  time for me. I don't know where or what I could or can cut out of my life to make it easier and less busy.
 I recently turned 40. UGH! I know I know it is just a number. It is only half a lifetime if I am lucky enough to live to 80. Which means half my life is over... I know so pessimistic.  This is where I am though. I am full of joy and happiness at my life and where God has taken me yet so disappointed that I haven't grasped more. I wanted more of everything. I am disappointed at the time I wasted. I wasted complaining, whining and just not doing. I could have been and done so much more by now.  Mostly because I didn't understand my own potential, or how to manage my time wisely.
 My husband and I love to play a game on our tablets to unwind. Looking at myself honestly I think what a waste of my time. It is easy to get addicted to these time wasters. They make you feel as if you are accomplishing something and you are really just passing time.I am reminded of the episode on Star Trek the Next Generation when Riker brought a game on board the enterprise which ends up stealing the crew's will. It becomes a drug.  We justify it and say it is only here and there through out the weekend as we go about our business getting things done, waiting for our items to be made on the game. Yet in times past I would have spent that time drawing, writing, crocheting, reading,cooking, hiking, playing with my kids, or just plain doing. Doing other things that were productive for real.This fantasy life that I and others place ourselves in and portray online is not real. I want to feel real and do for real, both the good and bad. In one game you farm and make something out of nothing, in mere minutes, yet there is no opposition. The only one I can think of is when others  buy items just seconds before you can get it. Defeated you mindlessly tap on a screen until you can find another pick or axe. Nope no tornadoes, no famines, no floods, not even a single weed. No there is no real opposition, just accomplishment. I guess this is the draw as there is really no work involved. As if by magic and a swipe of a hand we can feel like Gods and make things grow. The patch of ground in the front of my house has been begging for me to make it peaty again. Yet I put little to no effort into it  because lets get real effort is hard. Effort takes time. Effort takes investment.  These programs  and games  aren't real and really I learn nothing except how to make sure my barn is full.   I for one am going to make a concerted effort to do and live a  more real life. Do is the operative word as these games are so wasteful and accomplish nothing except tell us we are smart, and look what you have accomplished! REALLY? I accomplished nothing.  I want to feel again. I want to feel the accomplishment of finishing something, something for me, something that is real. Something that is not wasteful of my time but feels like a contribution to making me a better, more accomplished person.
My father is one of these people who accomplished things.  He was born during WWII. He grew up dirt poor in Idaho. Let me tell you Easterners. Idaho is the West Virginia of the West. We all make fun of them and treat them as nothing more than country hicks.  Yet they know how to survive. They know how to do. Mom and Dad have talked about how everyone was let out of school in the spring to thin the beats and asparagus. All the kids in school worked. Dad joined the military to put himself through college. He went to college, then on to get his masters in a field that did not make him very popular in the early 60's. Nuclear Energy. When the country was giving in to flower power he was learning how to provide real power to these hippies. These hippies later would turn on him for working in a field that was so evil. He worked through his field while his wife stayed at home and had babies, six of them. While I was  Growing up he came home and worked on little projects around the house doing just about every little and big fix it job. There was nothing he felt he couldn't do. He is a person who accomplishes things. He has always in the past just done what ever he wanted. I don't think he understands the words I don't think I can. In fact he had me convinced that all men could do anything and everything. Until I got married, I didn't know that some men don't know how to fix things. We are loosing something as this era as men move on and age. I want to retain something of this in me. I want to be someone who accomplishes things.  This is how I want to live my life. Even if I feel overwhelmed and my body is tired I will push on and just do. I want to do EVERYTHING! I want to be someone who does, and lets face it 40 years goes fast. So I better get started.